Humble Boy Read online

  Rosie Dad!

  George Christ. I never would, Rosie love. It’s a mug’s game.

  Felix A length of hose. Yes.

  Flora What about you, Felix? What is your preferred method?

  Felix Well, in an ideal world, I’d like to jump through a black hole.

  George I’m sure it could be arranged.

  Flora Why, Felix?

  Felix Just a whim of mine.

  Flora Tell me why.

  Felix Well, I’d find out what it was like inside.

  George How thrilling.

  Felix It would be for a theoretical physicist.

  Rosie Who doesn’t get out much.

  Felix Theoretical physicists don’t get out much.

  Rosie Well, come on then, enlighten us.

  Felix You get to pass through the event horizon and down into the state of singularity. The point where all mathematical equations break down and you break up into a thousand million particles. I think that would be quite satisfying.

  Rosie Doesn’t sound much fun to me.

  Felix The beauty of it is you get to carry on. Well, maybe you do.

  Rosie But it wouldn’t be you. It would just be bits of you.

  Felix It’d be the essence of me. I’d be recycled. The particles of my body would go off and form another universe. It’s a kind of immortality.

  Rosie If it’s immortality you want, I think it’s easier just to have a baby.

  Flora Is that what you want, Felix? How very mundane. If you can’t make your mark while you’re here, what’s the point?

  Mercy Nobody’s eating my soup.

  Felix Do you think my father made his mark?

  Flora No. Sadly. I think he would probably feel that he hadn’t.

  Felix You know, Mother, one day scientists at NASA pointed the Hubble Telescope at what they thought was an empty speck of the sky and they saw a void teeming with galaxies. They saw clusters of stars billions of years old that they never knew about.

  Flora (sharply) What are you trying to say, Felix?

  George Yes. If you’ve got something to say, I think you ought to say it.

  Mercy Couldn’t we save it till after the first course?

  Felix I rather thought that it was you and my mother who had something to say.

  Mercy I’ll get some bread.

  Flora Sit down, Mercy. You invited yourself, so you can sit through this.

  Mercy sits down.

  Rosie Felix, why are you being so difficult? You know what they want.

  Mercy He can’t think on an empty stomach.

  Rosie They want to get married. Big deal. You take everything too much to heart.

  Mercy You’re getting married?

  George Yes, we are.

  Mercy (a little crestfallen) Oh. How lovely.

  Felix (raising his glass) Yes! Isn’t it! Come on, Mercy. Raise your glass for the Humble Pyes! A match made in Moreton!

  George I don’t give a fart for your opinion, sonny.

  Felix And I’m not talking to you, Pops. Just answer me this, Mother. What do you see in him?

  Mercy Oh. There’s a lot to see in George. He’s a very nice man underneath.

  George Thank you, Mercy.

  Mercy You’re welcome.

  Flora I do not need your blessing, Felix. But it would be nice.

  Felix It’s a bit late for my blessing, isn’t it? My father died two months ago but –

  Flora At last Felix is up to speed.

  Felix – but this has been going on for years. The world and his wife are privy to this information.

  Rosie Leave it, Felix.

  Mercy I didn’t know for ages.

  Felix How could you do this? How could you do this to my father?

  Rosie There’s no need for all this.

  Flora James knew about it.

  George What?

  Flora I told him about George. I told your father that I loved him but that he wasn’t enough. He accepted that fact.

  George You told James? About me. You’ve never told me that –

  Flora It didn’t concern you.

  George I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.

  Felix starts to laugh.

  Felix Bravo, Mother. What a tactician!

  Flora Your father was generous to a fault.

  George (working it out) But if he knew – and I didn’t know that he knew – and he knew that I didn’t know that he knew – that … that gave him more power than me.

  Flora It wasn’t a question of power. It was a question of balance.

  George Well. This doesn’t change anything now. It doesn’t make any difference to how things are now.

  Felix Are you sure of that, George?

  Flora You are desperate to turn this into a tragedy, Felix, but you will not be able to.

  Felix My father fell down dead in this garden. And you were upstairs waiting for your new nose to recapture your lost youth so that you could go off and shag Biggles here –

  George Watch it –

  Felix – and all the while my father was dying. His heart was giving up on him. His heart was bursting.

  Flora No. That is incorrect. His heart was not bursting. He did not die of a heart attack.

  George Oh yes, boyo, you just wait for this.

  Felix (wrong-footed) What do you mean?

  Mercy (a warning) Flora.

  Flora Give me a cigarette, George.

  George You don’t smoke.

  Flora No, well, I am branching out.

  George gives her a cigarette and lights it for her.

  Felix What is she saying?

  Mercy Don’t, Flora.

  Felix Jesus! What?

  Flora No, he’s asked for this.

  Felix What did you do to him? Dear God, did the pair of you – what did you do to him?

  Flora Not me, darling. Not me and George, although that would have made sense, I grant you. No, it was his bees. James Humble was killed by his beloved bees.

  Mercy It was a tragedy.

  Flora No. It was not a tragedy. Sad and pathetic and shockingly stupid, ironic, funny even, yes comical, hilarious, but not a tragedy.

  Felix I don’t –

  Flora Anaphylactic shock. He was allergic to the bee-sting.

  Felix Don’t be ridiculous. He kept b–bees for years.

  Rosie You can develop it over time, without knowing.

  Flora Thank you, Rosie, if we want a little Nurse Pye nugget, we’ll ask for it.

  Felix What are you saying?

  Flora He knew, but he couldn’t give it up. May that be a lesson to you about the dangers of obsessive behaviour.

  Felix What? I don’t b–b–b–believe my –

  Flora If it’s any consolation, the bee died as well. I found your father on the lawn, with the bee close beside him. Neither of them was moving but I squashed the bee underfoot anyway. There is something deeply satisfying about the crunch of a dead bee.

  Felix I don’t want to hear this –

  Flora Your father always said to me that, when it was time to go, that there was no debate to be had. He said that bees have a finite number of wingbeats and once they are used up, the bees just fall from the sky. In the same way we have a finite number of heartbeats. I doubt whether he would have been satisfied with his quota. But no doubt the bee had a case for grievance as well … So there. (She stubs out the cigarette.)

  Felix Why didn’t you tell me?

  Flora I would rather that he died of a heart attack. I am more comfortable with that version of events.

  Felix More comfortable?!

  Flora For his sake. It makes him look less of a fool.

  George This doesn’t change anything.

  Flora You have said that once already, George.

  George Your mother and I are still going to be married. Whatever you think.

  Rosie If it’s any consolation, after the wedding, I will be your sister and your daughter will also be your niece. If you weren’t fucked up bef
ore, this will really send you reeling.

  Flora Ah, Rosie. Just when the conversation was flagging.

  George Rosie. Fliss isn’t his – you promised me she wasn’t –

  Flora She’s not his daughter.

  Mercy I don’t think I can cope. (Mercy starts to cry silently.)

  George Rosie – you said it was that long-haired lad from The Bell. You promised me.

  Rosie She’s Felix’s daughter.

  Flora Not without DNA evidence she’s not.

  George You don’t know that for sure, do you? Rosie?

  Rosie I’m her mother and I know.

  Flora I’m not a grandmother. She’s lying –

  Rosie I’m not.

  George But there’s no proof, is there, love?

  Flora Of course there isn’t.

  Felix (desperate) Rosie. I have been walking around with this for four weeks. I have b–been trying to rise to this. I have been trying to feel what this feels like. Please don’t lie to me.

  Rosie I’m not lying. After you left, I … I did sleep with a few men –

  Flora I’m sorry. Forgive me for being pedantic but ‘a few’ is not the correct collective noun in this case.

  Rosie Dad, tell her.

  George You did put yourself about, Rosie love.

  Rosie I was heartbroken at the time.

  Felix stands up.

  Felix I’m sorry. This is too much.

  Flora Sit down. You will not walk out on me again. I deserve more respect from you.

  Felix Why?

  Flora Because I am your mother.

  Felix You have to do a bit of mothering in order to earn that title. And sadly that has never been your strong suit, has it?

  Flora What?

  Felix You don’t love me, Mother.

  George Oh, Christ on a bike.

  George takes out his headphones and puts them on during the next.

  Flora Of course I do. You are my son.

  Felix That doesn’t follow. You know that.

  Flora You’re talking nonsense.

  Felix I am sure you tried. But you couldn’t do it.

  Rosie Love embarrasses you, Felix. You can’t turn it into an equation. There is no constant as far as you are concerned. Dad. Take them off.

  George I’m not listening to his crap.

  He turns the music up. He taps away to it.

  Mercy There is no point in being constant in love. It’s seen as a sign of weakness.

  Flora (to Mercy) Oh God! I don’t know why you’re crying.

  Mercy I may as well throw the soup away.

  Flora None of this has anything to do with you.

  Rosie Oh Mercy, don’t cry. It’s all right.

  Flora Take those bloody headphones off right now, George, before I rip them off.

  George (he can’t hear) What? (He takes them off.)

  Rosie (to George) Mercy’s upset.

  Mercy (crying) I’m sorry, sorry, sorry. I get these brief bursts of unutterable sadness. I’m taking a herbal remedy.

  Rosie Are you?

  Mercy Yes. It’s for people who soldier on in the face of complete hopelessness, but it hasn’t made any difference –

  George You’ve got nothing to cry about, little Mercy.

  Flora Of course she has. She has never been married, she has no dress sense to speak of and she has always been in love with you, George.

  Rosie You’re a bitch.

  Mercy (to Flora) What?

  Flora It’s true, Mercy.

  Mercy (terribly embarrassed) No! No! No. I have not – I like George, but I have never really – you are very rude to me, Flora.

  Rosie She thinks she’s too good for all of us.

  Mercy And if you four are anything to go by I’m very glad I’ve kept myself to myself, thank you very much.

  George Absolutely.

  Mercy It’s people like you that give people who live in the countryside a bad name.

  George Hear, hear.

  Mercy I know that I am a negligible sort of person. But I won’t stand for it. I’ve always looked up to you. Always.

  Flora You have no life of your own so you constantly leech off mine.

  George Flora, stop it.

  Flora I did not choose you to be my friend. It was an accident of geography. Because I am stuck in this bloody awful middle-England middle-class bloody rural bloody idyll.

  Felix (with sudden authority) Stop it, Mother. ENOUGH! That is enough now. You have said enough. We have all said enough. It’s a beautiful day and … and I think we should eat now. Whatever our differences – I think we should eat.

  Pause.

  Perhaps you’d like to say grace for us, Mercy. Then we can eat your delicious soup.

  Mercy I don’t know.

  Felix Please. We are all going to be calm now. We have exhausted ourselves. See.

  Everyone is quiet round the table.

  Mercy Very well. (Mercy goes to stand up. She cannot quite look George in the eye.) I don’t have those sort of feelings for you, George.

  George No, of course not.

  Mercy So long as you know that.

  George I know that.

  She stands up a little shakily. They all bow their heads, except perhaps Flora.

  Mercy For what we are about to receive, which none of you really want to eat but which I stayed up till two in the morning to make and I didn’t even have any pimentos and had to improvise round them, may the Lord, whether you believe in Him or not, I know you don’t, Felix, because you’re a scientist so you’re not allowed to and anyway I don’t know if I do, because of things like James dying in the way that he did and little Felicity not having an identifiable father and the terrible things that Flora has said to me and the little fat bumblebees just dropping down dead from the sky. And I know that what James said about the finite number of heartbeats should be a comfort, but it is not. And maybe I don’t have much of a life but up to now God has filled all the gaps but now there do seem to be holes that He can’t fill so perhaps you are right, Flora, because even though I still do the flowers in church and my various parish duties really I would say that I was unofficially on a sabbatical from God at the moment because everything is really so unsettling and I’m sick to my heart of trying all the time, trying, trying, trying, and I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all so may the Lord, even though we’re not on speaking terms, make us all, and I mean all of us, truly grateful. Amen.

  George Amen.

  Felix Very well put, Mercy.

  George Let’s eat. I’m starving. (He takes a mouthful.) It’s bloody delicious.

  Rosie It’s got a real zing to it.

  Mercy There isn’t too much seasoning?

  Felix No. It’s just right.

  They all eat, making some noises of satisfaction and reassurance for Mercy. Suddenly Flora stops, puts her spoon down.

  Flora One minute.

  Felix (a warning) Mother?

  Flora I would really rather prefer it if Felix took his father off the table.

  Felix takes the urn off the table. He holds it to him. Mercy watches him.

  Mercy That’s –

  Flora The remains, yes. He insists that he is not ready to scatter them but I think we can do without them at mealtimes. Thank you, Felix.

  Mercy No! No! No! Don’t eat it! Stop! Don’t eat it. I’m sorry.

  George What’s the matter, Merc?

  Mercy No, please. I forgot a vital ingredient. I did something inadvertent. (She’s grabbing the plates off everyone and pouring the soup back into the tureen.) It’s contaminated. It’s dangerous. I’m sorry. Give it back to me at once.

  Flora I thought you were dying for us to eat it.

  Mercy No, no, no, I’m not. I’m leaving now. This is a very bad day.

  Rosie It’s lovely, Mercy.

  Mercy Oh no. No. No. No. Please excuse me. Ignore me. Chat among yourselves. I have to – urgently attend to the fig tart. (Mercy grabs the tureen and exits.)
>
  George I think she’s flipped her lid.

  Flora You took her part against me.

  George No I didn’t. I feel a bit sorry for her, that’s all.

  Flora Well, some people are just unfortunate, it’s not my fault.

  Felix Mother, go and apologise to her.

  Flora What?

  Felix Say sorry to her.

  Flora I will not.

  Felix She is lonely and she thinks the world of you. Tell her that you didn’t mean it. You’ll feel terrible tomorrow if you don’t.

  Pause. Flora gets up.

  George Do you want me to come?

  Flora No, I do not. In any case it won’t take long.

  Flora exits. The other three are left. George is quite drunk by now. Rosie sits quietly and Felix holds his dead father’s ashes.

  Rosie Well, it’s all going very well so far.

  George stares at Felix.

  George What does he look like?

  Rosie Dad.

  George Winnie the bloody Pooh! Here, Winnie, I’m going to marry your mother, whatever you –

  Rosie Dad. Let’s change the subject. Talk about something different. There must be something that we can talk about calmly.

  Pause that stretches towards a silence.

  I know the range of possible topics is fairly limited. But come on. Let’s have someone’s starter for ten.

  Felix Glen Miller took a long time to find his sound, didn’t he?

  George Yes.

  Pause.

  Rosie Okay. Another go.

  Pause.

  George Do you know why I called my coach firm the Flying Pyes?

  Rosie What you going on about, Dad?

  George No, no, Rosie. It’s kosher. He wanted to know this. He asked me.

  Felix I did, after a fashion.

  George See, Rosie, love, just a friendly little chit-chat. Go on then, ask me.

  Felix Why did you call your coach firm the Flying Pyes?

  George For my dad. (casually) He was RAF, flew in the war. Lancasters, Halifaxes, Stirlings. He said the noise of the engines was unbearable – a droning so terrible and the planes were unpressurised and cold, twenty degrees below zero, Fahrenheit that is, so cold you couldn’t think. He had to piss into a funnel, the desert lily they called it. They gave them all a survival kit with Horlicks tablets and a Mae West flotation jacket.