Humble Boy Read online

  Felix What are you doing?

  Flora I’m going out now. I’m leaving you to your own devices.

  Felix Is it George P–pye?

  Flora He has been a very good friend to me since James died but he is afraid to even come near the house for fear of encountering you.

  Felix Don’t go.

  She puts lipstick on.

  Flora He’s taking me out of myself.

  Felix Stay here with me.

  Flora Don’t begrudge me my little bit of pleasure. At least I’m making an effort.

  Felix P–please, Ma. Don’t.

  Flora Felix? What is it? Why ever not?

  Felix I don’t like him.

  Flora No, well, I’m sure the feeling is mutual. After what you did to his daughter.

  The car horn goes off again.

  Felix I didn’t do anything – it was –

  Flora Felix. Must you always have the last word? Do you not realise that the last word is my prerogative?

  Felix goes to speak and thinks better of it. Flora smoothes down her dress.

  I’m going to have a lunch party later on in the summer. Just a small group of people. I hope you will be able to come. But if you are going to be in one of your moods then I would rather you didn’t. (She goes to exit. As she does:) And you should be wearing a hat in this sun.

  She exits. Felix stands. The humming begins again. He looks at the honey-pot. He takes off the lid and stares inside. He looks as though he might be about to scatter it but he thinks better of it. He puts the lid back on and cradles the pot to him. He walks slowly off. The humming ceases.

  SCENE FOUR

  The stage is empty. An apple falls from the tree just after Felix has exited.

  Just afterwards a young woman comes into the garden. She is in her early thirties, healthy-looking but quite plain. It is Rosie Pye. She does not pay much attention to her appearance. She looks around the garden. She sees the apple on the floor. She goes and picks it up. She polishes it on her clothes. Then she sits and takes a huge bite out of it. She swings herself on the hammock and continues to eat the apple in a hearty fashion.

  Felix enters the garden again. He is wearing a sun-hat and still carrying the ashes. He talks to himself and occasionally addresses the pot. Rosie stops swinging and eating and watches him with increasing horror.

  During this scene the sun starts to set.

  Felix (intoning) James Humb–ble was a b–b–biologist and a b–b–bee-keeper. And a husb–band, and a father. A b–b–beloved –

  Rosie It’s only a suggestion, but perhaps you should go for fewer ‘b’s.

  Felix nearly jumps out of his skin, almost drops the pot.

  Felix Oh, Jesus God!

  Rosie (proffering him the apple) Do you want a b–b–bite?

  Felix Rosie. Rosie. Rosie.

  Rosie Well, that’s a start.

  Felix Yes, I … I was hoping, I should have, I meant to, I really wanted – I thought ab–bout coming to see you, I started to write, I wanted to phone …

  Rosie What about e-mail? Did you consider that?

  Felix I’m sorry.

  Rosie Can you put the pot down, please? Just for a minute.

  He does so, reluctantly. Rosie goes up to him and slaps him hard across the face.

  There. I’ve been saving that up for a long time. Yes. We can be friends again now. Here. (She hands him back the pot.) Now tell me what’s wrong.

  Felix Rosie –

  Rosie Oh no. Not that tone of voice, please.

  Felix But I want to explain.

  Rosie It’s all right, Felix. I fell in love with you, you weren’t as in love with me, you tried to be, you failed, you ran away because you weren’t emotionally evolved enough to talk to me about it, you threw yourself into work, I didn’t wash my hair for five months, blah, blah, blah, you failed to write, I got angry, I got over it. In a nutshell.

  Felix Right.

  Rosie I tried therapy but it was shit. Tae kwon do was much better. A short course in the ancient Korean art of hand-and-foot fighting. Worked wonders. I wasn’t very precise in my movements but apparently my battle cries were very convincing. Now take that hat off and let me look at you.

  Felix does so.

  That’s good.

  Felix What?

  Rosie I’m not in love with you any more. I thought I wasn’t but I couldn’t be sure until I saw you again.

  Felix It’s b–been a long time.

  Rosie Seven years, five months, fourteen days.

  Felix Oh God.

  Rosie I’m joking. I’ve no idea exactly how long it’s been. It’s about seven years. My dad told me you were around again. And against all the odds, I got a slight itch.

  Felix I’ve got fat.

  Rosie Mm.

  Felix I don’t look good.

  Rosie Mmm.

  Felix I haven’t b–b–been on top of things.

  Rosie Since your dad died?

  Felix B–b–before, b–b–but worse since.

  Rosie What’s with the stutter?

  Felix It’s funny, sometimes I don’t have it. Some days it’s fine. I used to do it when I was little but then recently it came b–back. I had to p–present a p–paper, ab–bout b–b–b–black holes. I was supposed to do a follow-up about the B–b–b–big B–b–b–b –

  Rosie Bang?

  Felix Thank you. I never got that far. My father died so I left. I’ve b–been at home ever since.

  Pause.

  I don’t think I can go b–back.

  Rosie You’ve given up?

  Felix Every time I try to – I hear this ringing –

  Rosie (interrupting) That’s great, that is!

  Felix What?

  Rosie You left me to become the great white hope of theoretical physics and now you’re jacking it in. It was really much better for my self-esteem when I knew I’d been chucked in the pursuit of a Nobel Prize.

  Felix It’s p–percolating my b–brain, Rosie.

  Rosie You’re just upset about your dad.

  Felix I wasn’t close to him.

  Rosie Of course you were.

  Felix For me, it was always my mother. It was always about her. She b–burnt more br–brightly. Eclipsed him.

  Rosie Mothers have a tendency to do that, Felix.

  Felix It’s like my mother was the big force – gently warping everything around her. And my father was the little force, fizzing away quietly on a microscopic level. But I can’t bring them together. I’m trying to understand the extreme conditions that would have brought them together. I mean, I know the geography of it. It was outside the exam halls of the School of B–biology. London University. My father had just finished his Finals and he walked out and my mother was just p–passing. She’d p–paused to light a cigarette. She was on her way to sign up to a modelling agency. He went up to her and asked her if she’d dropped from the sky. She never got to the agency.

  Rosie That doesn’t sound so extreme.

  Felix But that’s not the physics! The physics of what attracted them and what kept them together.

  Rosie Maybe you are what kept them together.

  Felix looks at her a moment.

  Felix (shaking his head) There are too many questions. And now all I have is this b–b–bloody p–pot.

  Rosie What?

  Felix He’s in here.

  Rosie looks confused, then slightly disgusted.

  Rosie Oh.

  Felix Do you want to look?

  Rosie Does it smell?

  Felix No, of course not.

  Rosie Just quickly then.

  He lifts off the lid for her. She sniffs slightly.

  Felix Don’t sniff at him.

  Rosie We buried Mum. I prefer that.

  Felix I feel strangely attached.

  Rosie It’s got bits in it.

  Felix shuts it rapidly.

  Felix No it hasn’t.

  Rosie I don’t think this is healthy, Felix.

  Fe
lix I didn’t say it was healthy. Did I say it was healthy?

  Rosie When my mum died, I could have fallen apart, I really could. But I didn’t allow myself to dwell on – the fact of her death. I know it sounds simplistic – but I made myself think about all the happy times we had together – (She stops herself. Pause.) It does get easier, Felix. Time doesn’t heal, but it accommodates.

  Felix I look forward to that, then.

  Rosie I’m trying to help you –

  Felix It’s all right, I’ll get myself a book. ‘Happy bereavements. How to grieve in twelve easy steps.’ I’ll be over it in no time.

  Rosie Fine, you do that. Good luck. (She goes to go.)

  Felix No, please, Rosie. You’re right. I’m sorry.

  Pause.

  It’s just I – can’t remember – a time of being close, you know. I mean feeling close, feeling – like he was my father … The only good memory I can think of is watching the Apollo moon-landings with him.

  He stops. She coaxes him further.

  Rosie Yes?

  Felix I was in my astronaut phase.

  Rosie laughs.

  Felix I know, I know, but I was only seven … It’s still so clear – it’s four in the morning, the latest I’ve ever stayed up in my whole life. I can barely keep my eyes open but then it’s the countdown and he reaches out and he takes hold of my hand. And it’s like a charge passes from him to me, like he super-adrenalates me. I know this is something huge. I’m suddenly wide awake. We don’t speak. But I look at him and he’s crying. I am seven years old and I can’t b–believe it. I can’t b–believe my father is crying …

  Rosie looks at him and then leans in to him and kisses him on the lips.

  Felix What are you doing?

  Rosie Put him down. (She takes the pot out of his hand.)

  Felix I don’t understand.

  Rosie You need to get out of your head, Felix. (She kisses him again.)

  Felix I really don’t think you should be doing this.

  Rosie It’s all right, I’m a nurse.

  Felix No you’re not.

  Rosie Yes I am. I trained. After you left.

  Felix Did you?

  Rosie The world didn’t stop turning, Felix.

  Felix No, of course not.

  Rosie I’m training to be a midwife now. You get more glory. When’s the last time you had sex, Felix?

  Felix Are you asking that in your professional capacity?

  Rosie It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

  Felix (a lie) No.

  Rosie I’m not in love with you, you know.

  Felix Then why are you doing this?

  Rosie Because I’m not in love with you.

  Felix That doesn’t make sense.

  Rosie You can’t apply logic to everything. Even in your vacuum-packed little world.

  Felix No.

  Rosie Take off your tank top.

  Felix I’m not doing this.

  She takes his top off.

  Get off!

  Rosie Yes you are.

  Felix You can’t force me.

  Rosie You’ll really enjoy it.

  Felix I really really won’t.

  Rosie Just lie back and think of the Big Bang.

  Felix Please. Please. Stop. You’re scaring me.

  Rosie stops what she is doing.

  Rosie I just wanted, I thought it would take you out of yourself.

  Felix I know. And you’re – beautiful, brilliant, better than me –

  Rosie At least it’s shocked you out of your stutter.

  Felix I’m sorry.

  Rosie You were going to name a star after me. You were going to find a new star and call it Rosie’s Star.

  Felix I only work on stars after they’ve collapsed.

  Rosie Well, then you could have named a black hole after me. I’m not fussy.

  Felix ‘Rosie’s hole.’

  Rosie Some people would find that curiously appropriate.

  Felix You have always been absolutely yourself. That is why I loved you.

  Rosie I should bloody well hope so.

  Felix Look at me, Rosie. I’m fat, I’m – look at me.

  Rosie I don’t care. Sometimes time stands still. Just for a moment.

  Felix goes up to her and kisses her tentatively.

  Felix I loved the way you used to sleep with both your arms flung above your head. I think about that a lot.

  Rosie Felix. You liked me when I was asleep because I was quiet.

  He kisses her again. It gets awkwardly passionate. Rosie breaks off. She picks up the pot and moves it to a place of safety.

  Sorry, Daddy Humble. If you could look away. (She walks back in a mock-sexy way towards him.) Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. (She straddles him.) Houston, we have lift off.

  There is the noise of a car pulling up outside.

  Oh, Felix. Take me to the long grass. Please.

  Felix The long grass?

  Rosie The long grass.

  He lifts her up suddenly and carries her to the hammock. It is all a bit clumsy and improvised.

  Rosie My big brave astronaut.

  Felix I think I’m out of my depth.

  Rosie I’ll super-adrenalate you.

  Felix I don’t want to take any more clothes off.

  Rosie I’d forgotten what you tasted like.

  Felix I don’t even know if it’s fully operational down there any more.

  Rosie You taste like fruit.

  Felix You might not be able to find it. You might need the Hubble Telescope.

  Rosie Apricots. Yes. Ripe apricots.

  Rosie laughs throatily. Felix stops suddenly.

  Felix What’s that? What’s that?

  Rosie What?

  The sound of laughter off. Flora and George are arriving back in high spirits.

  George (off; singing)

  A–B–C–D–E–F–G–H

  I got a gal in Kalamazoo

  Don’t wanna boast

  But I know she’s the toast of Kalamazoo

  Years have gone by, my my how she flew

  I liked her looks when I carried her books

  In Kalamazoozoozoo.

  Flora (off, laughing) George.

  Felix Oh God!

  Rosie Don’t panic.

  They lie quietly in the hammock or run to a place where they cannot be immediately observed. It is quite dark by now. A moment then George lurches into the garden. He is fairly drunk. He does not see them.

  George Bun, bun! Bunny girl. (He almost stumbles into the hive. He knocks on it.) Anyone in there? Or have you all buzzed off? (He is very amused by his joke.) We got the better of you, you little bastards. Buzz. Buzz. (He starts to buzz disdainfully, then laughs so asthmatically he has to lie down on the grass.) Just need a little rest. (He looks at the sky.) Bugger me. Look at the size of it. The moon is out for us tonight, bunny girl. Bunny! Come and look at this.

  He starts to sing or whistle the tune to Glen Miller’s ‘Moonlight Serenade’ loudly, while kicking his legs in the air occasionally. Flora enters from upstage. She does not come right into the garden. She is a little tipsy. George lies on the grass and sticks his arms in the air.

  George Do you wanna dance?

  Flora George! Be quiet, you’ll wake up my thirty-five-year-old. (She laughs.)

  George Bunny, the sky is falling on me. I require your urgent assistance.

  She giggles, then hushes herself.

  Flora No, no, shushy. I’m making some coffee.

  George No coffee. I’m allergic. I need your urgent-lying-down-here assistance.

  Flora giggles.

  Flora I’m not lying down anywhere.

  George Why in God’s name not?

  Flora I’ll get wet. I never get wet.

  George Oh no, bun. Look it’s bone dry, dry as toast here.

  Flora Keep the noise down, Georgy.

  George Shushy! Georgy is very shushy now.

  Flora Come
and get your coffee.

  She exits. During the next he staggers to his feet.

  George Don’t go, bun … Look at that wonderful arse!

  She waggles it for him and then exits.

  Bunny! It’s very, very dry. It’s a ruddy heatwave. We’re in a drought, bunny. I’m dying of thirst. (He is on his feet, but still a bit wobbly.) It’s a bloody desert out here. Needs irrigating. (He undoes his trousers and urinates in a zigzag fashion across the lawn.) This is a very dry bit. You want to talk to the sod who looks after your garden for you, bun. ’S very, very patchy. It’s a good job I’m so full of piss. (He laughs and then he comes across the pot of ashes.) Who left a bloody pot in the middle of here? Bloody pisspot. (He urinates a bit on it and then laughs and steps daintily around it. To the pot:) Excuse me. Much obliged. (He does his trousers up.) Bun! I’ve done this garden a big favour, I can tell you. It’s positively lush now.

  He exits unsteadily. After a pause, Rosie sits up. She does her top up, straightens herself out.

  Rosie I hope he’s not going to drive.

  Felix We’ve got to stop this.

  Rosie Well, he says he drives better when he’s rat-arsed. He says it doesn’t matter if you live in the country.

  Felix No. My mother. And him.

  Rosie What?

  Felix She’s making a fool of herself. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s b–bereaved.

  Rosie Are you serious?

  Felix I know he’s your father, but he’s taking advantage of her.

  Rosie You really don’t know?

  Felix What?

  Rosie This has been going on for years. Everyone knows about it.

  Felix What?

  Rosie They’ve been having an affair for years. Five or six at least. Look, I thought you knew. I’m sorry.

  Felix But this is terrible.

  Rosie Felix, if you’re like me, you’ll keep out of it. They’re old enough to know their own minds.

  Felix This is – this is –

  Rosie This is not about you. Or me. I’m sorry, I’ve really got to go.

  Felix No, please, Rosie, stay and talk to me. I have to talk to you ab–bout this.

  Rosie My mum died a long time ago. My dad injected her with a sixth of a grain of morphine every four hours. She begged him to kill her, but he wouldn’t. I don’t like your mother, but I want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy.

  Felix No, don’t leave me, Rosie.

  Rosie I have to. I’ve got to get back for the babysitter.

  Felix What? Oh yes. I’m sorry. Your baby! You haven’t said anything about your baby.